Mona Hanna

Fantasy/romance writer Mona Hanna. I like kittens.

A note about depression

It's weird. I'm going through quite a bad bout of depression at the moment, and it's weird how distorted your thinking becomes. You go to such a dark place, become so trapped in a morose state of mind, that you forget how it is to see and feel things normally.

 

I found a note I had written to myself when I had been feeling badly in the past, and it said that I'm a good person and am not doing anything wrong, I'm just feeling terrible right now. I looked at that note and I thought, "Really? I'm a good person? Me? And I'm not doing anything wrong? You've got to be joking."

 

That's how messed up my thinking has become. The thought that I might be a decent person who isn't doing horrible things astounded me. I'm not saying I'm perfect and don't make mistakes, but I'm not a terrible person who's doing everything badly. Yet that's what I truly believe when I'm in a depressed state.

 

I've got to not be so hard on myself. I've got to realise that I'm alright, my bad feelings are not my fault, and I'm NOT a bad person. I was feeling quite good for a long time but a change was made to my medication and now I'm really suffering. Unfortunately all I can do is wait for my drugs to work again, however many months that takes.

 

But I needn't hate myself. I needn't blame myself. I'm okay. If I can only remember the dark way I feel isn't an indication of who I am, and try to cling to the positive things I know about myself. Then I can get through this. Hopefully other people suffering with depression will find positive thoughts to cling to too.